Finding Silver Linings In Uncertainties
TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of mental disorders (symptoms, attacks, and scenarios)
If it’s a sensitive topic for you and if you feel like your mental state can’t handle such thoughts as of the moment, I advise your discretion in reading this post.
I put a trigger warning because even though this post is just about my experiences, I’m afraid that some may get sensitive and they might get trigger easily when they read some scenarios and the likes especially dealing with mental illnesses. And I also know that feeling. Been there, done that.
DISCLAIMER: I am not an expert about the field of psychiatry or psychology. These words are merely based on my experiences and what I have researched before. They are mine and mine only. I'm not implying that it's the same for others who also has the same disorder. Most importantly, let us not reduce the same people (including me) with their symptoms and condition after knowing such. It doesn't define them and they are more than their disorder.
If you wish to make a correction or you have violent reactions, please feel free to message me or comment below.
If you want to leave a positive feedback, you may also do so. I would appreciate it a lot, hoping this post may inspire you or spark a thought or two to you.
Thank you and enjoy.
09:05PM
June 27, 2020
Davao City
It’s been five days since I have felt this way.
I am so hyper and productive right now and I just slept for three hours. It’s actually pretty tiring yet I'm still very active, so I realized that I must make the most out of this energy and channel it to something positive before it runs out.
Hence, the birth of this blogpost. Hahaha.
And this is my routine. Get so hyper for days, and feel down after. Then wait for that energy to come back. It’s a cycle. My cycle for more than a year now.
Seven years ago, something happened to me and it made a significant impact in my life. I’m sorry if I can’t reveal what exactly happened because 1) it’s somewhat petty and irrational (I was a high school student that time), and 2) this blogpost would be too long for you to read.
Let’s just say that it was such a major event in my life that it made me fall into depression and I carried it around with me until just recently. Yes, seven years. Seven years of attacks and relapses. Pretty long, right? Me too, I still can’t believe that I endured that much for a long time.
But just when I thought I got used with my condition, I faced another shift in my life. A literal shift.
Last 2019, I got diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder. We are familiar with bipolar behavior, but allow me to further explain this particular disorder.
According to National Institute of Mental Health (nimh.nih.gov), Bipolar disorder (BD) is a mental disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. There are three types of this disorder: Bipolar I, Bipolar II, and Cyclothymic, and they differ on duration and intensity of attacks.
I tried to search more detailed explanation for the classifications, but I’m afraid that I would give wrong interpretation and it may affect the reader's perception instead of helping them understand, so I apologize if I can’t explain it more deeply. But to give you an idea about what I am sure of my Bipolar II condition is that my mood shifts more than usual and faster than other individuals. My emotions are also more intense compared to normal, but it’s not that worse to completely interrupt my daily life and for me to get hospitalized.
Yup, a roller-coaster ride everyday.
But when did it start?
I was diagnosed first with depression and anxiety way back 2017. It took me four years to be clinically diagnosed after that major event in my life. I thought that it was what I'm going to deal for the rest of my days, but I was wrong.
During 2018, new symptoms showed when I was busy juggling my academics and extra-curricular activities in college. I actually felt much better that time compared to the past years. Though there were still anxiety attacks from time to time, I was productive and I really did a lot until I got another relapse at the end of that year.
I was really down that time thinking that I was getting bad again after feeling okay for quite some time. It was frustrating and painful as hell. It made me decide to go back to my psychiatrist because of that attack since I stopped going months after I got first diagnosed because I felt okay and school caught me up. I know, it was stupid. Hahaha.
So, I got get checked and felt better again after a month, but I went back to being down for the next two months. I must say, though that it wasn’t just because of my increasing symptoms. I was also experiencing difficult time aside from my attack as I was on my last semester in college that time. The semester was almost ending, hence the pressure was real from pending requirements and thesis and it’s very crucial since it would determine my graduation. I can still remember the feeling of getting nauseous and not getting enough sleep due to palpitations because of too much anxiety. Never again.
Thankfully, I did graduate on April, the next year.
This just shows that real-life situations definitely affect our well-being. Mental health struggle is real and it happens everyday. It’s a harsh reality that needs more awareness so that we can help and understand each other better.
Now, going back.
I was lucky with my doctor that he guided me well with my condition and symptoms. Aside from that two-month relapse, I also shared to him my discovery of my inconsistent high productivity and energy. I was experiencing it for a quite while already, but I just didn’t know and obviously ignored it because I was stuck at the idea of my depression and anxiety. And there, we figured out that it wasn’t the case.
When my doctor first told me and explained that I was indeed suffering bipolar disorder, I was baffled. I was speechless and I wasn’t able to react properly. I even felt betrayed.
Yati. Abi nako mao na gyud ‘to?! (I thought that would be it.)
Yati. Abi nako mao na gyud ‘to?! (I thought that would be it.)
It took a while for me to adjust because I had a hard time accepting my new situation since I was so used dealing with my sadness and fear.
It was definitely not easy adjusting to something you’re unfamiliar with. It is tough countering an inconsistent and unpredictable enemy and it was what frustrated me the most. The mood swings were horrible, and I wasn’t accustomed with it. To be honest, being aware of your condition is like being striked with a double-edged sword.
I carried on despite the struggle, but I got more aggravated when it comes to explaining my condition to other people because my symptoms look normal, at least for me.
I get so productive, energized, and more talkative than usual. My impulsiveness also acts out like abruptly deciding to do something (RIP hair) or buying stuff online without plans (RIP money). In addition, I easily get distracted and my thoughts are racing rapidly. This is also why I get so much typos and grammatical errors because my mind thinks so fast that I sometimes left out some words in my sentences. I'm not saying that my writing is exceptional, but that's just always the case for me. Don’t worry, I’ll try to edit this post as much as I can, but please spare me some understanding. Hehehe.
All that happening, but physically, I look like nothing is happening with me. But deep inside, dili ko mahimutang. (I couldn't stay still.) One time, it also went to the extent that my skin hurt because the attack was so severe inside.
That's why it upsets me because I can't get help most of the time since I can't clearly explain how I feel. I look way different from what I feel.
Pain definitely has no face.
All that happening, but physically, I look like nothing is happening with me. But deep inside, dili ko mahimutang. (I couldn't stay still.) One time, it also went to the extent that my skin hurt because the attack was so severe inside.
That's why it upsets me because I can't get help most of the time since I can't clearly explain how I feel. I look way different from what I feel.
Pain definitely has no face.
Furthermore, to top my mood swings, my emotions are also very sensitive. It’s more intense than normal, so my reactions are way more different. But of course, that’s not always the case. I really try my best that I keep my reactions in check every single time because the stigma of BD patients stems with that situation. However, there are also times that it’s really uncontrollable. It really depends, so let’s not reduce a person with their symptoms.
Dealing this cycle everyday also irks another anxiety in my mind.
Forever najud ing-ani? (Is this for forever?)
Kapoya na oy. (I'm tired.)
These thoughts are always present whenever my mood shifts. But at some point, I also got tired of entertaining them.
Kapoy na sige ug sakit. (I'm tired of being in pain.)
And that became my turning point.
I used the pain to motivate myself to get better because as far as I know, BD doesn’t really have a cure, only treatment to manage it. It made me think that if this condition would take up most of my upcoming days, then maybe I should at least know how to handle it or turn it on my advantage.
This is also what my doctor advised me. He said that I should stop resisting my emotions every time they rage. It’s part of me, so it’s better for me to just run its course. But it also doesn’t mean that I would allow it to control my life.
I should still be careful with my impulsiveness and high energy because it can be dangerous. I also need to continue managing my reactions so that it won’t cloud my judgements when facing striking situations. Meanwhile, when I experience sad episodes, I shouldn’t down myself more because it worsens my state.
These are just the few things I started for my healing.
In addition to that, it’s also important for me to know more about my disorder, so I researched, watched shows, and read articles about BD. I also read a self-help book that I came across which really helped me manage my severe anxiety attacks and low motivation.
The book was ‘Everything is Fcked: A Book About Hope’ by Mark Manson. It was from the author of the famous ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fck’, so you can already say that it’s a great book. It tackles about hope and its several definitions from different walks of life. It also gives you an idea on how to deal with hope and how it works. 11/10 would really recommend especially if you’re having a hard time dealing with your nihilism and anxiety just like me.
The book was ‘Everything is Fcked: A Book About Hope’ by Mark Manson. It was from the author of the famous ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fck’, so you can already say that it’s a great book. It tackles about hope and its several definitions from different walks of life. It also gives you an idea on how to deal with hope and how it works. 11/10 would really recommend especially if you’re having a hard time dealing with your nihilism and anxiety just like me.
[I support buying and it’s much better to have the physical book, but just in case, you want to read, but have limited resources, please feel free to download it.]
Since then, my condition became both my pain and hope. It definitely defined my life with BD, but it’s also not easy. It’s a process that takes time, a battle that I need to fight everyday, and a journey that I should live. It also dawned upon me that I don't want to be a slave to my pain anymore. I already gave up seven years of my life carrying the heavy weight of my pain—this goes both physical and emotional pain. I need to learn how to manage it and not to be controlled by it, and it’s about time for me to feel at ease with my life.
Control it before it controls you.
Choose your battles, and fight smart.
But between those seven years, it’s definitely not just hardships. There were also happy days, but most importantly, I learned a lot along the way.
First, I learned that no matter how hard it gets, everything will be fine. It will get better as long as you don’t give up because at some point, better days will absolutely come.
I am proud to say that I get my better days every once in a while these days and more than I usually do. It maybe because of my up phases of BD or just pure happiness, but I must say that I am now in better disposition especially with my mental toughness.
However, it honestly wasn’t easy reaching this far. As I shared earlier, I struggled a lot. I cried so much, self-harmed, got intense anxiety attacks, throw my classes or drag myself to attend them. There was even a point that I told my mom that I wanted to stop studying because of how painful my attacks were.
Yet I survived and finally got my better days. And no, not because I was brave or lucky, but because I endured it and fought for it. And maybe, I was able to endure the pain until today because I also had no choice.
I thought of giving up countless times, but I couldn’t do it because of my parents, best friend, dreams, or just the mere hope that everything will get better.
And it did. Better days truly came for me.
And it will be your turn next. Soon.
And it will be your turn next. Soon.
Second, I usually get frustrated and more sad whenever my down phases come, and I realized that it’s not helping me to get better, so I changed my perspective about my mood swings.
When I feel down, it only means that I’m going up. If I’m sad right now, happiness will come next.
After all, it’s like a swing, or a see-saw, or roller-coaster, or wave tides. The direction is always up and down and that is the constant no matter how unpredictable the ride is.
And it’s true, because where would else I should go?
This perspective really improved my coping mechanism whenever I feel down. Now, I’m allowing myself to take my time during my phases and wait for it change. In this way, I’m not forcing myself and I feel more assured with this uncertainty.
You can also refer it to a famous song. Alexa play Gulong ng Palad.
My down phases also taught me that having a relapse doesn’t mean you’re a step back from your progress ladder or you already lost your healing journey.
More than it’s a hardship that you need to fight everyday, it’s also a journey. You may think that it means that the pain will never stop or it is an endless suffering, but the best thing about being in a journey is you always have a chance.
A chance to pause, to breathe, to ask for help, to experience, and to meet people along the way and learn from them. And those chances bring you a step closer to your better days.
So, let's take it as a journey and start our progress one step at a time.
So, let's take it as a journey and start our progress one step at a time.
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Something I wrote last December 2019. [22:00 191223] I've been living with the waves for quite some time now. It was hard, but it definitely taught me about life. It will never be always low, and it will never be always high. What's your current situation right now will not be your end. So continue. Learn how to surf. Learn how to swim. But of course, it's really up to you if you want to be carried away by the waves or you will learn how to ride it. Amor Fati, — M. |
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[22:18] 191225 Why am I so afraid to experience the downside when it means that I am going up. :) |
Next, I was able to embody the words “Laban lang,”.
I already couldn’t count how many "laban lang" I told myself, and I’m sure the people around me also heard me saying it a lot of times. But to tell you honestly, half of it was just empty words. I was just saying it in the past so that I wouldn’t sound like I was hopeless or on the verge of giving up even when I really wanted to. But so far, I’m happy to say that I’m already living up those words. Laban lang gyud ta mga mamser.
Or maybe, I already did way back before. I just didn’t realize it.
Kay ngano naa paman ko karon kung wala ko nilaban, diba?
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"Do you know why we lose? It's to win next time." — Friday Friday Night, Episode 2 |
Lastly, I’ll share my motto that I learned ever since I started my healing journey aside from 'Better days are coming'. It’s Amor Fati. I actually got it from ‘Everything is Fcked’. I swear, that book is really life-changing.
Amor Fati means love of fate or love of one’s fate. It came from Friedrich Nietzsche who proposed a formula of human greatness—which is the Amor Fati.
“My formula for greatness in a human being is Amor Fati: “that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
As what I have understood, it implies that to have better approach in life, we must unconditionally accept all that life has to offer: the good and the bad, the happiness and the sufferings, the highs and the lows, and most especially, the in-betweens.
And after embracing all of it, act despite it (Manson, 2019).
Amor Fati encourages us to love life and act regardless of the situation you’re currently in. Just like the literal translation of the word, love of fate, it reminds us that everything happens for a reason and there’s so little that we can do about it.
And that is to do better.
Your current state isn’t important, but it's all about how you react to it.
Personally, this ideology is so close to my situation especially I’m dealing with different phases almost everyday. Hence, it became my motto that I try to live everyday ever since I learned the meaning of it. It changed my mindset on how I should deal my fears, insecurities, pains in life.
It also taught me how to counter my condition as I realized that it’s a lost case to weep every time I get an attack or something bad happens to me. It’s exhausting and takes up more energy. And again, kapoy na kaayo mag-sakit.
So everyday, I remind myself that whether I am sad or happy that day, I will try my best to live my life.
And this blogpost is a proof of it.
But all of these realizations are useless without accepting and loving myself more.
I realized that loving myself more is the key for me to heal myself more than anything in this world. That love refuses me to suffer anymore and it allows me to accept my condition and its different forms, insecurities, and pain which results to a stronger and healthier mind. It also helps me to be better on how I handle my personal relationships and interact with people. I am still not perfect with it, and I doubt that I will, but I am trying everyday. And that's what important.
Indeed, self-love is one of the best things you can give to yourself.
We're already familiar with this advice as a lot of people already said this before. But the thing is it's often difficult to apply personally and live with it. I know, it also took me seven years. Hahahaha.
But the take away is that I tried and still trying until now and that I wanted this above anything else.
I want to get better for myself.
And that's how it started and the reason why I reached this far.
I also understand that doing the first step is the hardest part, but I hope that you would take it.
For yourself.
:)
But all of these realizations are useless without accepting and loving myself more.
I realized that loving myself more is the key for me to heal myself more than anything in this world. That love refuses me to suffer anymore and it allows me to accept my condition and its different forms, insecurities, and pain which results to a stronger and healthier mind. It also helps me to be better on how I handle my personal relationships and interact with people. I am still not perfect with it, and I doubt that I will, but I am trying everyday. And that's what important.
Indeed, self-love is one of the best things you can give to yourself.
We're already familiar with this advice as a lot of people already said this before. But the thing is it's often difficult to apply personally and live with it. I know, it also took me seven years. Hahahaha.
But the take away is that I tried and still trying until now and that I wanted this above anything else.
I want to get better for myself.
And that's how it started and the reason why I reached this far.
I also understand that doing the first step is the hardest part, but I hope that you would take it.
For yourself.
:)
I never expected that this day would come, that I would finally write about my condition. I actually lost hope at some point because it was also hard for me to evaluate and put my thoughts into words since I’m just starting to get familiar with it. How can I make you understand when I, myself couldn’t understand it, right? But thank goodness that my high productivity took effect, and here we are. Hahahaha.
I want to remind as well that I am not my disorder. Yes, I suffer from it, but I am bigger than it. It doesn't define my whole self, so I ask you not to reduce me with my symptoms and actions and take my disorder against me whenever you can. I know there would be some instances that this would happen so I am making myself clear. This also applies for everyone towards other mental illness patients.
And please allow me to have this opportunity to express my gratitude to the people who helped me get through my worst days, with or without them knowing.
Even though I am not sure if these people would read this. Lol, and char! Murag grad speech usab ??? Hahaha.
Even though I am not sure if these people would read this. Lol, and char! Murag grad speech usab ??? Hahaha.
To start, I want to thank my parents who never gave up on me no matter how many times I told them that I wanted to, for giving me enough resources and support for me to be the person that I am today. I hope that you're proud of me.
To my bestfriend, Desiree, and my squad, Friends and Everything, for being there for me. Thank you for reminding me what it feels like to rely to someone knowing how I independent I became, and to have genuine friendship. Asa nalang ko puniton kung wala mo. Thank you for always saving my lonely ass. Mahal ko kayo.
To AdDU Mass Comm 4A Batch ’19, my dear classmates. Thank you for helping me survive college. I may be quite distant before, but every single one of you are precious to my heart. I treasure all those moments that we crammed, traveled, shared knowledge (or answers) during those four years of studying our degree. I genuinely wish you well for your future endeavors.
To my teachers, especially my English professors in college and Ma'am Gem, thank you for inspiring and pushing me to write. Sana proud kayo sa akin ngayon. Char, baka naman. Hahahaha.
To my teachers, especially my English professors in college and Ma'am Gem, thank you for inspiring and pushing me to write. Sana proud kayo sa akin ngayon. Char, baka naman. Hahahaha.
To my Prod Family, both CCO and Samahan, thank you for allowing me to lead you (CCO), discover myself, and have new passion. I’ll always treasure the memories we had before, during, and after events. You guys definitely made my college worthwhile.
Special mention to our Mama Prod, Queennie, who's the reason behind why I got to Prod. Thank you for (always) giving me opportunities to work and for helping me realize that I am great at something. Thank you for believing that I can do it every time you give me tasks during events, and when you let me took over your lead sa Prod committees during college. I know it's very crucial and not that easy and I was still lacking that time. It really means a lot. If I didn't join and started doing Prod, I can't imagine what my college would be or how to survive it. So, thank you so much, Queen and I love you.
To Jian Carlo, who I see as my own brother and my writing buddy, thank you. Thank you for always reading and for believing my words. It keeps me going every time I doubt myself. You also remind me of that time when we used to write sports. It's such an important memory because it's where it all started for me. It was such a happy time for the both of us. I wish you well, Bro. I miss you and the way we talk about sports. See you soon.
To others who also believed and read my words, I am truly grateful for your existence.
Special mention to our Mama Prod, Queennie, who's the reason behind why I got to Prod. Thank you for (always) giving me opportunities to work and for helping me realize that I am great at something. Thank you for believing that I can do it every time you give me tasks during events, and when you let me took over your lead sa Prod committees during college. I know it's very crucial and not that easy and I was still lacking that time. It really means a lot. If I didn't join and started doing Prod, I can't imagine what my college would be or how to survive it. So, thank you so much, Queen and I love you.
To Jian Carlo, who I see as my own brother and my writing buddy, thank you. Thank you for always reading and for believing my words. It keeps me going every time I doubt myself. You also remind me of that time when we used to write sports. It's such an important memory because it's where it all started for me. It was such a happy time for the both of us. I wish you well, Bro. I miss you and the way we talk about sports. See you soon.
To others who also believed and read my words, I am truly grateful for your existence.
To my other friends, colleagues, and acquaintances, thank you for the times we shared. Thank you for letting me experience things. I am truly sorry as well for the times I have let you feel ignored and when I became distant to you at some point. I kinda really suck at interacting and connecting with people, but I’ll be better next time!
And to you, who are reading this right now, thank you for taking your time to read this. I know it’s kinda long already, so it really means a lot. You also maybe got uncomfortable when you're reading this because it's too personal and vivid, but still thank you for reaching this part. You’re one of the reasons why I continue writing.
Thank you and I wish everyone the best from the deepest of my heart!
Thank you and I wish everyone the best from the deepest of my heart!
Onto the next.
Amor Fati,
Finding Silver Linings In Uncertainties
Reviewed by Madeleine
on
June 27, 2020
Rating: 5
Reviewed by Madeleine
on
June 27, 2020
Rating: 5
